When Is It Okay To Ghost?
Navigating Dating While You’re Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
Written by Hanna B. Woody, Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and certified Enneagram Teacher
When you are waking up to narcissistic abuse the dating world can get pretty complicated. Many of the people I work with have endured psychological and emotional abuse from several important relationships. This could be a parent, a romantic partner, or a close friend. One of the many awful things about experiencing this kind of trauma in your childhood is that you are more likely to experience it in your adulthood as well. Many people experience psychological and emotional abuse and don’t know it. They just know that they feel bad about themselves a lot and feel like they can’t do anything right in their relationship. When I specialized in working with people who are breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma (cycle breakers), I ended up getting an education in the impact of narcissistic abuse. Many cycle breakers come from families where emotional abuse was the norm. When you grow up in this environment, it’s harder to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy interactions in relationships because dysfunction is what feels normal. This kind of abuse also leads people to believe that when things go wrong it’s their fault.
I used the term ‘waking up to narcissistic abuse’ because this is what it feels like when you realize that a major relationship in your life was actually covertly abusive. Waking up means you start to see all of the emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and coercion. You start to see the person in a completely different light. This is a very painful and confusing time for people. You might feel a sense of urgency to learn everything you can about narcissistic abuse and spend a ton of time ruminating and running through the entire course of your relationship trying to make sense of everything. This is often the point when my clients seek me out. They need help sorting through all of it and need reassurance that they are seeing things clearly and are not making things up.
So how does all of this relate to dating and ghosting? When you are ready to start dating after experiencing narcissistic abuse in a romantic relationship, it’s pretty scary. You may have a lot of fear of dating another narcissist. You may not fully trust yourself to make good decisions that help you avoid abusive people. You know how covert and subtle the abuse is when it first starts, and it can be extremely hard to manage and discern this when you are dating. When you learn about narcissistic abuse, you might also come across the not so fun fact that experiencing this kind of abuse once means you are more likely to experience it again. Trauma bonding creates a certain magnetism that draws narcissists to you. This is disheartening, terrifying, and quite frankly, downright unfair. You’ve already been through so much and now you have to work harder to ensure it doesn’t happen again. I like to reframe this for my clients as an invitation to boldly and unapologetically give themselves what they want by getting clear on what their yes’s are and what their no’s are and clearly communicating it.
Ghosting is when you don’t communicate. You essentially just stop responding to someone abruptly when they clearly expect a response from you. While it’s healthy and empowering to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries, there are many scenarios where ghosting might be the better thing to do. It’s typical for people who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse to want to be kind and polite and not hurt anyone’s feelings. Unfortunately, this can mean maintaining unhealthy interactions with someone you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with.
Sometimes ghosting is actually a boundary you set with yourself to not engage in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
When It’s Okay to Ghost
You’ve communicated a boundary or set a limit multiple times and it’s not being respected.
You receive unsolicited inappropriate pictures, comments, or suggestions that make you feel uncomfortable or violated.
You’re uncomfortable and don’t feel safe in the relationship. In the early dating stages, this could be a funny feeling in your gut that you can’t quite explain but you know that you don’t feel safe.
They have been highly emotionally reactive and immature in the past and don’t recognize or own up to how this causes harm. This is especially true when you’ve told them it hurts you.
They respond to your communications about your feelings and needs in an emotionally manipulative way such as discounting your feelings, saying you’re reading the situation wrong, or blaming you for something they did.
When your gut is telling you not to respond. Our bodies often give us communication about things that our heads and hearts can’t decipher. Gut feelings are often signaling you that something or someone isn’t safe.
Re-entering the dating world is complicated and can bring up a lot of uncertainty. Learning to listen to yourself and disengaging in unhealthy relationships is a major part of healing from narcissistic abuse. I see a lot of people get caught up in wanting to be polite and not hurt someone’s feelings instead of prioritizing what they want and need.
Many cycle breakers have experienced narcissistic and other forms of emotional abuse in their childhoods. Being a cycle breaker is hard work. There’s no denying it. It’s often a lonely path full of obstacles and confusion. It can be hard to know what the right thing to do is when you are trying to learn healthy boundaries and communication. You are simultaneously unlearning what was modeled to you in your family and educating yourself on how to lead the healthiest life for you. Not everyone around you will get it or be able to support you in the way you need. I specialize in working with cycle breakers and I can help you.
The first step to working together is to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation. Investing your time, money, and emotional energy into therapy or coaching is a big deal. It’s an investment in yourself and your well-being. It’s important that you make this investment with trust and confidence that working together is a good fit. This is why I offer a 20 minute phone consultation. During this time we can identify your needs and answer any questions that you have about working together.
Hanna Woody is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Asheville, North Carolina. She has over 12 years of professional counseling experience and specializes in breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma, childhood trauma, and the Enneagram. Certified in the Embodiment Tradition, she has over 150 hours of training and teaching experience. Hanna is in private practice and provides online mental health therapy, Enneagram coaching, and Enneagram training.